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Let me just say up front that dating sucks (and not in a good way).Some people love the journey of meeting strangers—wondering if they like you and if you really like them, and then endlessly navigating where things are going and if things are still okay.Top and bottom are also different than dominant and submissive identities, but can sometimes be used interchangeably.Tops are most often the giver of sexual penetration or dominance, while bottoms are seen as the receivers and may take a more submissive role (though not always, which is known as topping from the bottom).Be open and upfront with who you are, and ask for nothing less than a partner who adores and admires your whole being. Why do you think some people only want to top or bottom during sex?Dear Positional Ponderer, Tops and bottoms, bottoms and tops.These beliefs actually stem from misogyny, or the disdain/hatred of women.

Whether a person enjoys the physical positioning of being on the bottom or top in a sexual encounter (and whether they separately enjoy a more dominant or submissive role) does not make that person better/worse, more masculine/feminine, or weaker/stronger than the other.Like dogs or cats (and chocolate or vanilla), people love to pick sides and stick to them like glue.Part of it is evolutionary—we humans like to categorize things to better understand ourselves and the world around us.Too often I see friends, families, and fellow experts say the tired go-to lines of, “There’s somebody out there for everyone,” “Just keep putting yourself out there,” and “Don’t give up, there is still time.” And while there is truth to all of those things, they can also be a form of gas-lighting to the realities of dating as a minority. For most of our history, the “G” faction held most of the power, and even today most queer spaces are for gay cisgender males who are predominantly white and wealthy.Few in the community have taken the time and energy to understand that gender, sex, and sexual orientation are all completely different things.

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